I blog a variety of things, so there isn't really a set theme.

One thing I noticed is that the less I engage in things like internet (fb etc), watching TV, listening to radio etc the easier it is to meditate.
I noticed that I do all these things not because they are necessary but it’s because I feel empty inside. Any time I find myself alone or lonely, I try to “forget” myself by indulging in those distractions.
Now, whenever I find myself with free time, I would meditate instead of killing time. Sometimes meditation makes you want to avoid these distractions because you feel they will take away your calmness and silence you earned from meditation.

I’m tired of feeling disposable, I’m tired of feeling temporary. I’m growing weary of all I come across. I trust less and less each day. I don’t want to grow bitter but as each day passes… and each lonely night too, I grow more and more tired of so much time spent alone. I’m so tired and yet I cannot sleep. I’m weeping but you do not see. I hide it well. You may view me as strong but when I’m alone and out of view, I fall apart. I crumble, I break. And there is no one to help put my pieces back together. I put on a mask to show you; and the world, the face you want to see. No one wants to see the isolation I feel.

Today I feel like falling apart. And right now, I’m tired of doing it hidden away alone.

It seems like I never have anyone to turn or talk to. I don’t really know how to make any real new friends. I thought I did; I try to be friendly, take initiative, but there’s only so many times I can take excuses without being discouraged. I work a stressful schedule, weekdays are extremely exhausting. Then the weekend comes around and I’m excited, till I remember I usually have nowhere to go and nothing to do. My standards aren’t high,a friends place doing nothing would make the night infinitely better. But no one has time for that apparently. If it’s already this bad I don’t really see myself being able to cope with this for the rest of my life. It’s frustrating trying to make plans with my current friends. They’re all very noncommittal, and never initiate. Plus they just seem to be busy with their lives, and their other friends. I don’t understand people..I thought I did.


The downpour adds to the lushness to the whole park.

It seems that I am afraid of hanging out with people because I’m liable to feeling unwanted. I have pretty restricted interests so I have little common ground with anyone on which to make conversation. What’s more, I’m always very conscious that I’m taking up people’s time—I go out of my way to avoid talking to people in relationships when their significant other is anywhere nearby, afraid of subtracting from their time together. The latter has ground me up when one of my closest friends hooked up—so many conflicting thoughts about whether they or I am causing us to drift, whether I can or should live with talking little henceforth. What is my condition?